


falling in love at a coffee shop

by captaincreampuff



Series: Welcome! You've Got Dads! [1]
Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Joseph and Mary are divorced, LISTEN TO IT, M/M, The title is a song, coffee shop AU, craig and robert are the ultimate wingmen, its a sequel tho, mat and hugo are platonically married tbh, mat has a groupchat for all his friends, mostly from joseph's part, oh and there's losta angst, robert got ordained online and brags about it, stay tuned for the first one, they're all nerds, this fic is in a series, well technically the second but whatever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-10 00:17:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11680068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaincreampuff/pseuds/captaincreampuff
Summary: Mat's a nervous guy who just owns a coffee shop and has a daughter, Carmensita, and thinks life is pretty perfect. He then stumbles across a blonde headed fashion disaster that shows him that maybe his life wasn't perfect before.Joseph can't seem to catch a fucking break. He and his wife got a divorce, leaving him with his youngest child, Crish, and little money. He tries to drown his worries in coffee and liquor, but end up falling for an awkward barista.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Mat though he was having a bad day. Turns out it was just the day that Joseph came into his life.

Mat walked into the Coffee Spoon, soaked from the storm that just happened to start while he was walking to work. He shook off some of the water off his jacket and hair, because he didn’t want to trail water all over his shop. He hadn't even bothered to check the weather, and definitely didn't think to bring an umbrella. He was usually prepared for anything, but something seemed... off today.   
  
Maybe he just needed some coffee. Wow, what a great thing it was that he owned an entire coffee shop. To himself. Until it's time for opening. Mat laughed to himself at that, before immediately going to work to make himself a stronger coffee than usual. He just felt like it was necessary.   
  
After it was finished, he set his coffee down at a table nearby, just for a break before people start coming in. He then remembered that his seats weren't plastic so sitting on them while he was still wet wasn't the best idea. Should he change? No, that would mean he would have to go back home. And it was still raining pretty hard… so he guessed he would be a little damp for most of the day. Nice.   
  
His neighbors were awfully loud the night before, so he didn't get any good sleep. He was drowsy and kept dozing off, even after half of his coffee was finished. He figured he could keep himself busy and start getting ready for opening.He always gets to the Coffee Spoon at about six AM. There’s literally no reason to since it only takes him about half an hour to get the shop ready and he opens at eight.   
  
He opted for taking down all the chairs off the tables, and setting them on the ground in their correct spots. Putting the chairs up on the tables makes it much easier for him to sweep after each shift, but he always puts them back down in the morning. It was probably a habit he picked up somewhere. It also gave him something to do in the morning since he insists at getting up at the asscrack of dawn, ‘cause why not?   
  
At some point during his preparation, the coffee kicked in, and all of a sudden, he felt very twitchy. He felt the urge to do things he usually wouldn't do if he felt like this. Like... run a 5k or something. Now that he thought about it, he has actually never ran a 5k. Ever. Mat didn’t think that was something he wanted to change, though.

He glanced at the clock. It was just about seven o’clock. He decided against finishing his way-too-strong coffee, so he just poured it down the drain. Mat was never one to waste coffee, even if it was disgusting, but he felt like if he finished it he’d be going off the walls all day, and that couldn’t be appealing to any customer. Unless it were Carmensita. She’d probably laugh her ass off. He also did himself a favour and poured the rest of the pot of strong coffee out so he wouldn’t have to worry about it once people started piling in.

He had no idea what to do for the last hour or so before opening, so the brunette sat on his phone, texting the group chat with his friend weird memes he had found the night before. Hugo would respond back with an even weirder meme that Ernest had most definitely sent him. The kid had really softened up ever since they’d gotten that dog from the shelter. There was a ding, showing there was a notification from the group chat that was sent by Robert.

 

_ babashook: shouldnt u be opening up shop by now, mat? _

 

Mat checked the time. It was already 8:10. This is what happens when he has a meme war with Hugo. Thank god for Robert Small, there to remind him he actually has a job.

 

_ tromboner: shiit _   
  
He flipped the sign at the front of the store so that the word 'open' was displayed with big red print. He would have to work with shaky hands for most of the day. Maybe coffee that strong wasn't the best idea he's had.   
  
But Mat would have to worry about that later. Of course, one of his regulars was back. He always seemed to show up right after Mat opened.   
  
"Did you only send me a text over the groupchat so that you could get some coffee?" Mat asked, knowing the answer already.   
  
"Just get me a black coffee." Robert responded, the same stern expression he always wore. Man, this guy really needs a break or something.   
  
"One Godspeed You! Black Coffee, coming right up." Mat said with a smile.   
  
"Why do you always call it that?"   
  
"You ask me that everyday and each day, you'll get the same answer." Mat winked, going to brew some coffee for his friend.   
  
_ Friend. We're friends, right? I sure consider us friends. Robert comes in everyday on the dot and has never missed a day since he found out I had opened this place up. He always orders the same thing and we talk a bunch in the groupchat so does that mean we're friends? And I'm babbling again, aren't I? Well, at least it's not out loud. _   
  
Before Mat could question whether or not they were friends out loud, a new face walked in through the door. Well, many faces.   
  
Twins came in first, they were young. A girl and a boy. They immediately bounded over to a table near the back and took a seat. Behind them trailed a tall, clean-cut blonde man, followed by another young kid who looked like he would rather not be here. His eyes were hooded and he had his arms crossed over his chest.  _ Scary... _

They sat at a table just big enough to fit all four of them, and the girl twin immediately started talking.

“Dad, can I get a latte?” she asked in a rather fast voice, as if she'd already had her drink of choice earlier that day.

“Sweetie, you're not old enough yet.” the older man replied. Mat took a random guess to say he was the father of all three children. Who in their right mind would have three children? Mat has a hard time with just Carmensita.

But Mat merely walked up to the group’s table, taking out a small pen and notepad. “So, what'll it be for you four?” Mat asked, just noticing he practically said the word ‘for’ twice in one sentence.  _ Great first impression, Mat. _

“Ah, just some green tea for Chris,” the blonde man motioned to his eldest son, the one who was oddly creepy-calm. “And something sweet for the twins.” he ruffled their hair after he made the comment.

“Anything for you, sir?” Mat questioned, randomly writing down a sugary drink on his notepad for the twins to have.

“Uh,” the man thought for a moment, then laughed rather forcefully. “Just a black coffee for me. And,” he leaned closer to Mat, as if he didn't want his children to hear. “Throw some liquor in there. It's gonna be a long day.” he sat back in his chair, giving Mat a grin and a half-hearted shrug when the brunette looked at him weird.

“It's like,” Mat glanced at his watch. “8:30.”

“Never too early.” the man merely replied, then turned his attention to his twins, who somehow had scissors out, which they were using to carve names into the table.

The names were ‘Christie and Christain’.

Did this guy name all his kids practically the same thing, or did the names not belong to the twins? He figured the latter would be a lot weirder, but...

Mat just walked away, and around the counter, so he could get started on the drinks. He started boiling some water for Chris’ tea, and took some lemonade out of the mini fridge under the counter for Christie and Christian(?)

Mat had already brewed a pot of black coffee earlier for Robert, which he quickly gave to the brooding man sitting in the corner. He also pulled a flask out from his back pocket. He hoped the blonde liked whiskey.

He always carried the flask around in case Robert wanted some in his coffee. The cryptid hunter usually carried a flask, but Mat was always prepared. He poured some in a cup for the father of three, setting it on the counter to cool for a little.

Once the tea kettle was hissing, and the cup of coffee was finished cooling, he took the four drinks to the family on a tray, and passed the drinks to the correct patron.

Chris didn't touch his tea at first, but the twins immediately started sipping from their lemonade.

“Thaaanks!” they chimed in unison.

The father aimed a finger gun at Mat as if to say the same thing. He then looked to Chris, “Say thanks, Chris. I know you love green tea.”

Chris stayed silent for a second, his arms shift a little, but stay crossed, before he muttering out a small “Thanks.”

“It's my pleasure.” Mat said, trying to stay humble for his new customers. He then walked away, to pay attention to some new customers that had walked in while he was busy.

Usually his days were that packed. He had some friends come in to chat, and sometimes some new faces he'd never see again.

He almost wished the charming, yet strange, blonde-headed family wouldn't be one of those customers.

Speaking of which, the father of said family was waving Mat over, so he immediately walked over to their table. Their weren't any customers left, except for Robert, but he usually stayed for most of the day. He didn't really have anything better to do, other than to tend to his best friend/boyfriend, Craig. But he worked a day shift at a fitness center on weekdays. He did… something else on weekends.

It had been almost two hours since the family of four walked into the coffee shop, and they had been talking to each other and slowly drinking their beverages since then.

As soon as Mat reached their table, the father spoke up, “Excuse my horrible manner, but I'm Joseph. You're Mat, correct?”  It was strange that Joseph knew his name,  but he was kind of well known in this area, so he couldn't be that weirded out by it.

“Yes, that's me.” Mat responded, not really knowing any other thing to say. He kind of sucked at talking to people.

“I live in the same cul-de-sac as you. I'm also the youth minister at the church in town. A little birdie told me you owned a coffee shop, so I thought I'd stop by and say hello. Also, Chris said your green tea was wonderful.”

Mat grinned. “Did he now?” he locks eyes with said kid, but the latter immediately looks away, almost embarrassed.

“He's not much of a talker, so you won't get much out of him.” Joseph laughed.

Mat would have laughed too, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw Craig walking into the Coffee Spoon. God dammit.

“Could you… excuse me one moment?” Mat said.

“Of course.” Joseph replied, clearly confused.

As soon as the other gave him permission, Mat was dashing towards Craig.  “You better be here to buy something and not to flirt with Robert again, because I swear to god.” Mat stage-whispered as soon as he got Craig’s attention. 

“Woah, bro. It wasn't that bad last time. Plus, I just needed some Chai Antwoord, man.” Craig responded, in his regular calm-minded tone.

“I thought you had work today!” Mat protested, throwing his hands up. In literally any other situation, this would have been considered a scene. But it was Craig. His friend he knew for as long as he could remember, so this was hardly new for him.

“Someone came to cover my shift. Thought I'd stop by to say hello.” Was all Craig said, before shrugging.

Mat knew him better than that. Whenever River wasn't with him, he was up to something. Probably getting nasty with Robert. And the tiny, adorable baby was no where to be seen, so Craig was definitely trying to flirt with Robert.

“If I see Robert blushing from across the room, I'm kicking you and your hot body out of here.” Mat quips, causing Craig to grin.

“Alright, I'll keep me and my hot bod under control.” Craig says, putting his hands up to surrender, before walking to Robert’s table to take a seat.

Robert immediately smiled when he saw Craig. Sure, they had met in kind of a weird place, but they made each other happy. Ever since Smashley--or, Ashley--left Craig, he had been kind of depressed. His workout schedule was out of whack and he could barely socialize.

He went downhill, in a sense. Craig had been a stripper--’exotic dancer’, the man always argues. But both were true--Mat and him had met almost their first month in college. They had been friends for a year before Mat found out about Craig's ‘weekend job’.

At first, he stopped talking to Craig. It was almost embarrassing. But after Carmensita had some heartfelt story about a guy loving his friend even though he was a vampire, or, something like that, Mat was finally supportive of his friend’s choices.

It was silly, actually. Carmensita was a toddler at the time, but she knew Mat had stopped talking to Craig for a reason she wasn't allowed to know about. But she wanted to help her father, and she certainly did.

But the club that Craig works at is where him and Robert met. At first, it was just a friends-with-benefits sort of thing, but Robert mellowed out and allowed Craig to come into his life.

Mat wouldn't lie. He cried when his friends got together. He didn't cry a lot, though.

...

Okay, that was a lie. He cried a lot.

Mat finally phased back into reality, and decided to get started on Craig’s Chai Antwoord. He knew the fitness trainer didn't love that drink, he just thought of the first one that came to mind so he could slip past and talk to Robert. God damn you, Die Antwoord, with your odd music and catchy name.

Mat’s phone dings with the notification sound he uses for his friend groupchat. Which, embarrassingly, is a sound clip from the song “ _ I'm In Love With A Stripper”,  _ courtesy of Robert.

The text notification grabs Joseph’s attention, and he raises an eyebrow at Mat. The latter then looks to Craig and Robert’s table, glaring. They're both trying to hide their laughter but it's way too obvious.

The text notification plays a couple more times, as if the two lovers were spamming Mat with texts. The brunette looks over at Joseph’s table, and he had his head in his hands, but…

Was he… laughing?

Mat finally opens his phone to see what his friends had bombarded him with.

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: i saw you eyeing the blonde hottie over there _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: you know he mows his lawn with his shirt off _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: very well built man _

 

_ babashook: i also saw u pourin some whiskey in his coffee. r u tryin to roofy that dude? _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: please stop texting the groupchat _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: that weird song started playing in the middle of class and now all the kids are laughing at me _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: wait mat are you trying to roofie a guy?? _

 

Mat groans and looks over at his friends, who are almost in tears from making a fool out of him. He texts a reply.

 

_ tromboner: number one: fuck you guys _

 

_ tromboner: and number two: NO! he asked for alcohol in his drink. the only guy i should be roofying right now is robert. _

 

_ babashook: cause im hot? _

 

_ tromboner: cause you're actually quiet when you're passed out _

 

_ dontkalemyvibe: incorrecto, partner. rob snores pretty loud. _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: stop texting the group chat during work hours or I'll block all of you _

 

_ tromboner: hugo... i thought we had something special…  _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: blocked. _

Mat laughed out loud. Hugo and him had a running joke that he and the teacher were the “parents” of their friend group. They even went as far as to have a fake wedding. But since Robert was ordained and didn't tell anyone, him and Hugo were technically married, in the eyes of the Lord.

Speaking of the Lord…

Mat walks over to Joseph’s table. The minister finally seemed to get himself composed, and was explaining to his kids that the thing he was laughing at was “dad things”. Nice save, youth minister.

“I'm sorry about my friends. They're a handful about ninety-five percent of the time. The rest of the time, they're sleeping.” Mat explains, trying to make sure he didn't make too much of a fool of himself.

The group chat notification plays again. Mat groans out loud.

“It's such an odd choice of music. Why this song for a ringtone?” Joseph grins, clearly enjoying himself.

_ Smug little bastard _ .

Mat quickly wiped that thought out of his head, thinking for a moment. “Well, uh…” he didn't really want to tell the youth fucking minister that his friend was actually a stripper-- _ exotic dancer _ , the back of his mind quips--and that his other,  _ male _ , friend fell in love with him. Wasn't that, like, a double sin or something? 

“Holy cheese and crackers! It's so late!” Joseph says in a surprised, and slightly distressed, voice as he glanced at his watch. “Sorry, I'd love to stay and chat, but the kids need to get back to their mother.”

“Dad, do we have to?” the twins said, once again in unison.

“You heard what the judge said. You have to live with you mother. I'll see you every other weekend.” Joseph says, turning his attention to his kids, kissing the twins on the forehead.

The family got up, and Joseph waved goodbye to Mat. He, in turn, waved back. But the blonde didn't see it as he walked out the door and into his car with his head hung in what looked like shame.

Mat checked the time. Huh. It was pretty late. Not quite closing time, but still late. He walks over to his friend’s table and pulls up a seat.

“Sorry, no nerds allowed.” Craig jokes, slapping a hand down on Mat’s shoulder, just to make sure the brunette knew he was joking.

Mat looks at Robert. “I guess it's time for you to go, buddy.”

They all share a laugh, but once they quiet down, Craig and Robert are staring the barista down like a hawk.  “So,” Craig starts, his voice almost like he's from some kind of detective movie. “Who's the blondie?”

Mat rolls his eyes. “Why do you want to know so bad?”

“He's hot! He'd be so good to you, Mat.” Craig rests his chin on the palm of his hand, giving Mat a shit-eating grin.

“If he laughs at the ringtone, he's immediately part of the Gay Dad Club.” Robert points out, pulling out a flask and taking a swig.

“Okay, I named the group chat that when I was drunk, I thought we agreed to never talk about it again.” Mat feels his face heat up at the memory of his drunken night, and he puts his face in his hands.

Robert taps his shoulder, and Mat sets his hands in his lap so he could see the other. His two friends give each other a knowing look, before Robert speaks up.

“You wanna go bar hopping?”

Mat thinks for a second. “It's Thursday. I have work tomorrow.” he thinks out loud, tapping a finger on the table.

…

“Fuck it, let's go.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joseph is stressed. Then he gets an unexpected message from a group of people.

_ Ding! _

Joseph groaned at the text notification sound, knowing exactly who it was. He rolled over in bed, pulling the blankets over his head to try and muffle the noise that woke him up from his rest. His head was killing him. Maybe he overdid it last night.

_ Ding! _

_ Ding! _

_ Ding! _

He shot up, throwing his pillow across the room in anger to where he thought he left his phone the night before. He blinked a bit, trying to wake up. He could feel his pulse in his head, telling him he should probably get a drink of water since he was dehydrated. He should have ate something before going to the bar the night before.

The minister rolled to the edge of the bed to sit, his feet feeling around the floor in search of his slippers. He was a bit to careful about wearing footwear in the house after he got three splinters on the same day from his wooden floor. It hurt like a bitch getting each of them out, so he made sure that would never happen again.

He finally stood up, walking to where he had thrown the pillow to retrieve his phone. Joseph turned it on to see that he had gotten many texts and missed calls. All from Mary. Of course.

He typed the passcode to unlock his phone and checked his messages.

_ winemom: I hope you realize you’re picking up Crish today _

 

_ winemom: also i saw you at the bar. were you really talking to robert? _

 

_ winemom: if you’re at his house right now i will personally go there and dump an entire bucket of ice water on you then chop your dick off _

 

_ winemom: joseph you fucking cunt wake up and pick up your phone _

 

_ winemom: hangovers aren’t that bad, don’t be a pussy _

 

_ winemom: i take it back, i pushed four children out of my pussy and you cried when someone kicked you in the dick _

 

_ winemom: so, don’t be a dick and pick up your phone. _

 

Joseph groaned yet again. Had he really missed this much? And there were still four voicemails that Mary had left for him. They probably said almost the same thing, so there was no use listening to those. He began to type a reply.

 

_ pinkexorcist: i'll pick crish up in two hours _

 

_ pinkexorcist: i need like three gallons of water and another nap asap _

 

_ winemom: its noon _

 

_ winemom: you just woke up _

 

_ pinkexorcist: exactly _

 

Joseph threw his phone down onto his bed, deciding it’s a good idea to get dressed. He was sure his neighbors wouldn’t want to see him in nothing but boxers. Stupid summer. Stupid heat. Joseph should be able to sleep with his clothes on, along with the covers. But it’s been so hot lately so he was sleeping in practically nothing.

After he was dressed, he drank almost four full water bottles. The first two he chugged, then he decided it was better to slowly drink the last two. Maybe drinking that much the night before wasn't a very good idea. He still needed to find someone to babysit Crish so he could rest.

His phone made an odd text notification. The only reason he had got that phone was to keep in contact with Mary, and he had a specific text alert for her. He picked up his phone from the bed and walked over to the couch to sit down for a while. 

He was used to seeing all the kids’ toys scattered all over the ground, but there was practically nothing aside from some stuffed animals for Crish. But those were tucked away so Joseph wouldn't trip over them in his hungover state. It was kind of sad.

The blonde brushed that thought away. It was too late to feel sorry. So he decided to just open his phone to check what the strange text notification is.

 

**_You’ve been added to the Gay Dad Club!_ **

 

_ tromboner: robert i hope you know i am never going drinking with you again _

 

_ babashook: you know you love it _

 

_ babashook: you were pretty wild last night, man _

 

_ dontkalemyvibe: maybe giving him tequila wasnt the best idea _

 

_ tromboner: i think the last time i had tequila was at the wedding _

 

_ babashook: didnt you punch ernest in the face? _

 

_ tromboner: he was asking for it _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: i hope you know that you're the reason for my username, babes _

 

“What. The fuck.” Joseph whispered. The groupchat name alone was the strangest thing he's ever seen, but who even got his username? Who were these people?

He scrolled up, and saw it. Robert fucking Small was in this groupchat. This had to be Mary’s doing. She was trying to get him to make friends so he wouldn't be a loner drinking alcohol for the rest of his life. But he had friends!

...Didn't he?

The more Joseph spent thinking about it, the more upset he got. Maybe he needed this. Maybe this would make him feel better about the divorce. He needed to take a chance. So he looked down at his phone, and typed out a message.

 

_ pinkexorcist: how did you get my username and why did you add me to a chat called “gay dad club”? _

 

‘ _ Nice going, Joseph. Because that's totally how you make friends _ .’

 

_ babadook: dude you came over and laid down on our table at the bar last night, drunk off your ass, yelling at mat to “draw me like one of your french girls” then you gave us your username and left. _

 

“SHIT!” Joseph exclaimed, feeling the blush creep onto his face the more times he read over the message. Well, there goes his reputation. And a large piece of his dignity.

 

_ babashook: naw im just kidding i got it from mary _

 

Joseph put two fingers on the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. So this is what Robert is like. He really hopes he can get used to something like this. There was another text alert coming from his phone. Did these people spend the entire day on this chat??

 

_ tromboner: okay id hate to interupt but i just noticed im in hugo’s house _

 

_ tromboner: hugo did you kidnap me?? _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: perhaps. _

 

_ tromboner: i literally have work today _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: its literally noon, mat _

 

Was this groupchat just all the people in the cul-de-sac? Joseph tried to think back to the night before, trying to remember a reason that they had added him to this in the first place. It wasn’t usual for him to black out on a night of drinking and forget everything, but he guessed that’s what’s happening.

 

_ pinkexorcist _ :  _ one of you is going to have to do me the honors of telling me what happened last night because i have no clue _

 

_ tromboner: regret _

 

Joseph couldn’t stop the small laugh that left his mouth. Maybe being in a groupchat with these guys wouldn’t be that bad. 

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: exactly what he said _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: but like _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: worst _

 

_ babashook: it wasnt that bad _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: babe you're literally an alcoholic _

 

_ babashook: touche _

 

Joseph smiled at the group’s seemingly useless banter. He never really had anyone he could playfully argue with. Whenever he tried to do something like that with Mary, she'd get the bad idea and yell at Joseph. On nights like those, Joseph slept in his yacht.

Now that he thought about it, most nights he slept in his yacht.

…

Joseph laid down on the couch and let out a long sigh. It wasn't that he missed Mary. He missed the kids running around the house, driving the blonde crazy. It was so quiet in the house. He missed having someone to talk to.

He was just alone with his thoughts.

_ “She poppin, she rollin, she rollin _ _   
_ _ She climbin that pole and I'm in love with a stripper-” _

The all-too-familiar ringtone pulled Joseph out of his own head. Well, maybe he wasn't that alone.

He sat up and checked the time. An hour and a half had already passed, so he guessed he should get in his car and drive over to pick up Crish. 

Joseph turned the volume down on his phone. He really didn't want that song from the groupchat to play while he was around Mary  _ and  _ the kids. He then pocketed his phone, and walked out the door.

Honestly, picking up Crish was easier than he expected. Mary didn't yell at him for waking up so late, Crish didn't give him a hard time when he put him in the car seat, he even looked decent when he arrived at Mary’s sister’s house.

Mary was staying at her sister's house until she could buy her own. It wouldn't take her long, especially since she got a better paying job. Joseph could barely afford to go out drinking. He guessed he had to flirt with some people to earn him some free ones.

Wait. He just remembered about his child, while looking in the mirror above the dashboard. He wanted to be a good father, but going out and drinking was the only way that really made him feel better. He guess he could hire a nanny, but could he really afford that?

He also didn't want to bring a  _ baby _ into a bar with him, and get drunk with said child in his arms. That was probably the worst parenting he could think of.

He would try harder to be a good father. And he'd have to remember that he would see the twins and Chris every other weekend.

Jesus in heaven above, he was going to have a really hard time, wasn't he?

As soon as he got home, he jumped out of the car and opened the back door to get Crish out. The baby’s eyes were closed, and he was breathing softly. He was fast asleep, so Joseph slowly got him out of his car seat so he wouldn't wake him up. He then carried him up to the bedroom, and made a small nest out of blankets and pillows, and set the baby down so he could rest.

The youth minister then quietly walked back downstairs to relax on the couch. He didn't really know what to do. He was craving liquor like a bitch, but he would never leave Crish home alone. The nest was something he had learned to help the kids not fall off the bed while they were sleeping there, but what if Crish managed to do it and Joseph wasn't there?

Joseph had a lot of bad habits, he would admit. But he would never do one of those habits if there was a chance that his child would get hurt. Crish was practically all he had left.

He unlocked his phone and decided to text the groupchat for any help. They were all father, right? They must have experience with stuff like this.

 

_ tequilamockingbird: mat did you seriously eat all the sausage in the fridge _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: i was saving that _

 

_ tromboner: what can I say? i love me some snausage. _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: you truly are the pinnacle of all things gay in this world _

 

_ tromboner: hugo you have cracked the code of why rosa left me _

 

_ babashook: why in the hell are you mentioning you ex-wife to your literal husband _

 

_ tromboner: i am a man of many talents _

 

_ tromboner: such as making really strong coffee that makes me want to run a 5k _

 

_ tromboner: and ruining moments such as these _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: if you drank that coffee would you actually run a 5k with me? _

 

_ tromboner: woah buddy back it up a bit there _

 

_ tromboner: theoretically i could run a 5k _

 

_ tromboner: doesnt mean i would _

 

_ tromboner: especially if it were with you _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: hook, line, sinker _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: that hurt me :( _

 

_ babashook: would you run a 5k with hugo? _

 

_ tromboner: i would do anything with and to hugo  _

 

_ tequilamockingbird: would you call me daddy? _

 

_ tromboner: i take it back. _

 

Okay. Maybe asking these guys for advice on parenting isn't the greatest idea. But their kids aren't  _ that  _ bad, are they?

Carmensita seems nice. Joseph personally has never met her, but she's a cute girl and is great at making flower crowns. Ernest is… interesting. He seems like a trouble child that Joseph would not want to take care of. Bless Hugo’s patient soul. Briar and Hazel are very athletic. They take after their father. Sort of. River is just a baby, but an adorable one. Wait… does Robert have a child? He's got to.

So, maybe asking these guys for help is probably the best bet Joseph can get right now. He should start his request simple...

 

_ pinkexorcist: i have fucked up. _

 

Well, that was a nice start. Very well worded. Should get their attention in no time.

 

_ babashook: are you still hungover? _

 

Not the response he was expecting, but hey, at least he seems nice about it.

 

_ babashook: fuckin pussy _

 

‘ _ I stand corrected.’  _ Joseph thought to himself. No wonder Mary hangs out with Robert so much. They really seem like they get along.

 

_ pinkexorcist: its a little more complicated than a hangover, robert. _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: is it mary? _

 

How the hell do they know about their divorce? Joseph suddenly feels paranoid, like he's being stalked. He looks out the window and swears he sees something staring back at him.

Wait… that's just a bush.

 

_ pinkexorcist: yes and no _

 

_ pinkexorcist: i have a small child in my possession that mary physically cannot take care of _

 

_ pinkexorcist: and i am pretty sure i am a borderline alcoholic _

 

_ babashook: isnt that a sin _

 

_ pinkexorcist: not when you're chronically depressed _

 

_ babashook: point taken _

 

_ tromboner: robert this man has a legit problem and you're mentioning if he is going against jesus’ laws or not _

 

Joseph laughed. They take seemingly serious problems and turn them into something that could easily be solved. He could almost feel his worries drifting away at their odd quips.

 

_ pinkexorcist: in short, _

 

_ pinkexorcist: i am broke and divorced and have a child and dont know what to do _

 

The groupchat is quiet for a while, as if no one knows what to say. But then, a message pops up. It's from Craig. Bless his soul.

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: brian could probably watch your kid while you're relaxing _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: i mean hes on a camping trip with daisy right now but i think he actually comes back tomorrow _

 

_ babashook: brian is so weird _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: dont make fun of the fluffy bear boy _

 

_ babashook: he plans a camping trip for only the weekdays and comes back on a saturday  _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: okay that is a little weird _

 

_ pinkexorcist: you really think brian would watch crish for me? _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: totally, dude _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: brian loves kids. and daisy does too. they dont really do much except golf and fish and stuff. they'll take good care of your kid. plus brian is a total chill guy _

 

_ pinkexorcist: i really appreciate the help _

 

_ pinkexorcist: i dont even remember talking to you guys last night because i cannot hold my liquor _

 

_ pinkexorcist: and its not sincere over text _

 

_ pinkexorcist: but thank you _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: sounds fake but okay _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: naw im just kidding bro, its really no prob too _

 

_ babashook: arent you supposed to be at my house by now, craig cahn? _

 

_ dontkalemyvibes: dont make it gay, robert small _

 

Joseph smiled. He could get used to a group of people that were so inviting. He wasn't used to being accepted, and he certainly wasn't used to someone listening to his problems and actually helping him out. He was used to hearing others’ problems, and trying to find solutions to them.

He could feel his troubles start to slip away. He took a deep breath, totally ready to take a well deserved nap on the couch.

…

And right in that moment, Joseph could hear Crish begin to cry from upstairs

  
Well, at least he didn't fall off the bed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look another update. But tbh i just finished watching voltron right after i finished it and the new season killed me.  
> but anyways.  
> i made joseph's username up on a whim cause i couldnt find a good enough pun  
> does anyone get it?  
> yeah so i am too tired to do a FAQs so just go ahead and shoot some questions in the comments


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mat has a lazy day at Hugo’s house. Then they go out drinking. Again.

Mat woke up from a late afternoon nap, still curled up in the thin green blanket Hugo had generously given him last night. Mat could faintly see that Ernest was digging around in the freezer and didn't seem to notice that the man on his couch had woken up. Everything was blurry, but Mat was too comfortable to reach for his glasses.

“Whatcha looking for, Yung Steinbeck?” Mat asked jokingly. Everyone knew the answer to that question.

“Oh, morning, idiot.” Ernest said, looking up from the freezer in favour of giving Mat a single finger gun. Nice.

Ernest had really softened up. You wouldn't expect that from just getting a dog, but Mat guesses that miracles can indeed happen. Sure, he still calls people names but it's mostly out of habit, or just for fun. Plus, even before the Vega household had adopted the wonderful (and slobbery) Dutchess Cordelia, Ernest had already been pretty nice to Mat, because the barista spends more time at Hugo’s house than his own.

“It is definitely not morning. Where's your dad?” Mat was going to look at his watch for the time, but it wasn't on his wrist. Dammit, Hugo, why do you have to take off everyone's accessories before they sleep?

“Still at work.” Ernest simply replied, finally digging deep enough in the freezer to retrieve a box of pizza rolls. He then pours the whole contents of the box onto a plate. Hearing the familiar ‘clunk’ of frozen pizza rolls onto a glass plate reminded Mat that he hasn't eaten all day. Well, aside from a piece of toast that Hugo had insisted on him eating after his night of indulgence with alcohol and bad puns with his friends.

“Aren't you supposed to be at school too?” Mat’s bossy father mode tuned in after it registered with him that his husband was a teacher. Mat can call Hugo his husband if he wants. Stop judging him.

“I'm sick.” Ernest pretends to cough, but they both know it's fake. The two share a laugh. It was kind of a tender moment, unlike the microwave beeped, and Ernest popped it open to retrieve his pizza rolls.

Dutchess Cordelia came bounding downstairs, familiar with the sound of the microwave. What a smart, good girl. Ernest immediately smiled, throwing her a pizza roll. She gobbled it up gratefully.

Ernest walked in front of the couch, staring Mat down until he moved his feet so that the teenager could sit. The brunette sat up, but, to his surprise, the other snuggled up to his side, turning the TV on as he did.

The boy didn't say anything--apart from grumbling a small, “share the blanket, you hog”. Mat’s heart warmed.

-

The brunette hadn't even realized he had fallen asleep again until he actually woke up. To a camera flash, that is. Once his eyes adjusted to the light, he could vaguely see Ernest running upstairs, and Hugo smiling wide, looking at his phone.

Then it clicked in Mat’s mind. The bastard had taken a picture of him and Ernest.

“You bastard, no wonder you're child hates you.” Mat said, clearly joking. They both knew full and well that Ernest loved his father, but didn't show it often. And when he did, it was in weird ways, like actually calling him ‘dad’ or letting him have the last pizza roll. If anything, Hugo’s lucky. Mat can't remember the last time Carmensita shared any food with him. “Well, your child hates everyone.”

“The camera doesn't lie,” Hugo waved the picture on his phone in front of Mat’s face. It was an adorable picture. “But it was such a nice thing to come home to! My husband and his son.” Hugo plopped down onto the couch next to Mat, laying his head on the other man's shoulder.

“I don't think I have legal custody over Ernest. And also this is really gay, Hugo.”

“Are you complaining?”

“Well I didn't say that...”

Hugo laughed, ruffling Mat’s hair. The two finally focused in on the television, which was still playing. It was on a channel about some cooking show expect the chefs were all children. Mat really couldn't tune in because he literally couldn't see. It had just occurred to him that his glasses were on the table next to the couch, but on the opposite side that he was on.

“Hugo,” Mat said, breaking the almost comfortable silence. “Please hand me my glasses. I want to watch kids getting scarred for life.”

“Hmm,” the man next to him seemed deep in thought. “I think I'm comfortable staying right here. No wonder Ernest fell asleep on you. This is nice.”

“You can sleep with me later, hand me my glasses or I'll leave.” Mat threatened, too far gone to notice the potential innuendo. He made grabby hands across the couch, but his glasses were _ just  _ out of reach

“Is that an offer you'll keep?” Hugo teased.

“In your dreams, cheese goblin.”

Hugo gasped. “Hey! Cheese is the pinnacle of all things wonderful  _ and _ cheesy!”

“Just like I'm, ‘the pinnacle of all things gay in this world’?” Mat quoted Hugo from the groupchat, doing his best impression of the other.

Hugo laughed, “Alright, you got me, you can have your glasses, blind man.” the teacher reached over and easily grabbed Mat’s glasses, handing them to him.

“You call me blind man, but if I took your glasses right now, you wouldn't be able to see my beautiful face.” Mat retorted, sticking his tongue out.

Instead of being offended, like Mat had planned him to be, Hugo merely smirked. It was a dangerous smirk, and Mat should have closed his goddamn mouth cause nothing could prepare him for Hugo, sticking his tongue out and licking a stripe across the other man’s mouth.

Mat gaped for about ten seconds straight. He was almost offended. Albeit a little embarrassed, but still.

“Hugo. That was gay and fucking disgusting. You taste like cheese and sadness.” Mat said. It was normal for them to flirt and do things like this. But they were only friends! Sure, they had dated once in college, but it was only for a month. They were both stressed and needed some time apart. And after that breakup, they decided that maybe staying friends was the best option. That didn't stop them from getting platonically married.

“To be honest, these days that's pretty much all I am.” Hugo snorted.

The awkward moment was, thankfully, cut short by a voice Mat knew well, “Hey, this looks familiar.” Craig spoke up as he walked through the door, his arm hooked with Robert’s.

“Wasn't that practically how they were the first night you brought me home?” Robert asked Craig, knowing the answer, but just wanted to hear the story. Again.

“Yeah! I just wanted to bring you home, but it escalated, and there we were, making out right inside door, and there these two idiots were on the couch, watching some TV show. In my house!” Craig threw his hands up in exasperation at the last sentence. He had really been embarrassed that day, but they were glad it turned into a running joke between their friend group.

“And they say nothing, silent as a mouse, and then they simultaneously hold up their hands, and they've got fuckin’... they got fucking matching ring pops on their fingers…” Robert wheezes in laughter, “to signify they were engaged.” Robert put a hand on his forehead as he recovered from his laughing fit. Still wheezing, he continued, “I swear to god, I walked into Craig's house, determined to get some dick, but instead these two shitheads were in your house and we ended up playing Truth or Dare until, like, was it six AM or seven?”

“Doesn't fucking matter. That was the day I met Robert Small. Time was an actual illusion for just the night. Or morning.” Mat patted Hugo on the back, and the latter got off his shoulder and stood up, and Mat did the same.

Mat stretched and yawned, having not been off that couch all day. He grabbed all his accessories and his phone while Craig continued to speak.

“So, Joseph got a babysitter for tonight and was wondering if we wanted to come back out again.” the fitness trainer spoke, while looking at his phone, as if he was reading straight from the text Joseph had sent him.

“I still haven't recover from last night's escapade…” Mat whined, slouching slightly. Sure, he wanted to go out again, but this soon? How crazy _ was  _ this Joseph guy?

“I could go for another round.” Robert spoke up, “Don't be a wuss, coffee boy.”

“Peer pressured into drinking once again.” Mat said dramatically, putting a hand on his forehead as if he was the distressed lead role of a musical.

“So, you're going?” Craig asked, not taking the hint. Poor innocent baby. Oh, wait, this guy's an exotic dancer. He is certainly not innocent.

“Of course I am.” Mat scoffed, shooting a glare at Robert. “I'm beating Smalls in a drinking competition.”

“Ohoho, you're walking straight into a lion’s den, Mattie. Prepare your ass.”

Mat did, indeed, prepare his ass.

-

The night started pretty slow. Turns out Joseph had already bought an insane amount of liquor that even five borderline alcoholic people wouldn't be able to drink it all, so they just settled down in the minister's house rather than going to a bar.

They all just sat around, making idle conversation and telling weird jokes. Craig even told some stories about some things that happened at the club while he was working.

Mat couldn't remember the exact details, but it involved some guy getting in a fight with one of the female dancers. The fight lasted two seconds--’ _ literally, I counted,’ _ Craig stressed--the girl put the guy in a headlock and he passed out in fear. Never mess with people who can hold themselves up on a pole for hours.

Their talking soon turned into a very serious--and sexual--game of Truth or Dare, after Robert had jokingly said, “Mat, I dare you to sit on Hugo’s lap for the whole night.” So he did.

Most of them were targeting Joseph to ask their questions and such, since they didn’t know anything about the blonde. Joseph was just getting frustrated that he was asked to do stupid dares, so at some point, he only said truths when someone called on him. All the dares were getting too ridiculous, and way too embarrassing for Joseph to handle, even in his drunk state. 

“Joseph,” Craig said, eliciting a groan from the mentioned person. “Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.” Joseph muttered, his face in his hands in embarrassment. Craig’s truths were brutal, but it beat doing a dare from anyone of the other people. So far, Joseph has had to dirty dance on top of a chair (which resulted in him falling off of said chair), let Robert slap his ass, (per Craig’s request), strip down into nothing but his boxers, and try on someone else’s. He wasn’t even sure who’s boxers he was wearing.

Joseph had felt just drunk enough to do all of that, but now the buzz was starting to wear off, so he took a long drink, straight from a bottle of whiskey. Who needs cups anyways? The liquor stung going down his throat, but it was strong enough that his body felt hot only seconds after. Maybe taking his clothes off was a secret advantage. Now he wouldn’t be all sweaty and have sweat stains everywhere.

“What would you do if I kissed you right now?” Craig asked, shifting his position on the couch so he was lying down, his head in Robert’s lap.

Joseph thought for a second, crossing his arms under his head so he could use them as a makeshift pillow. He’s been on the floor for who knows how long, and was too tired to even make an attempt to sit on the couch. “Well, I’d probably have to dodge a punch from Robert, that’s for sure.”

“That is correct.” Robert nodded, earning a small laugh from the man resting on his lap.

“But why would you have a sudden urge to kiss me?” Joseph mocked Craig, while everyone else laughed.

“Sorry, I’m not accepting questions. It’s your turn to go.” Craig replied, shooting the minister a wink.

The group laughed for a while, until Joseph finally composed himself--sort of--and began picking who he would ask for truth or dare. Through small chuckles, he finally spoke up. “Mat, truth or dare?”

Mat hiccuped. Maybe he’s had too much to drink. “Dare. Fuckin’ try me, jesus boy.” the barista slurred, pointing a glass full of wine at Joseph while leaning forward in Hugo’s lap.

“Feisty.” Craig smirked. “You think you can top his confidence, Joey?” the dark haired man lifted his head from Robert’s lap in favour of staring down at Joseph’s spot on the floor.

And in his drunken haze, Joseph had what seemed like a good idea at the time. He shot up from his spot on the couch and darted off to the kitchen. No one really questioned his plan, until he came back, bearing a can of what looked like whipped cream.

“Think fast,” Joseph snickered as he tossed the bottle. It hit Mat in the face with a small ‘ _ thunk _ ’, but he didn't seem to care. “Put whipped cream on any part of my body you'd  _ want _ to lick it off.” the blonde explained, sitting back down on the floor.

Mat shifted, looking down at the bottle of whipped cream, then back to Joseph. For a second, the latter had thought that the barista would chicken out.

 

“I don't think you have enough whipped cream…” Mat said before taking a long swig out of his wine, sounding genuinely disappointed. 

Hugo coughed from behind him, “What the fuck, Mat?” he whispered in the other's ear, trying not to let the rest of the group hear.

“What? It's true.” Mat said, louder than necessary.

Robert and Craig laughed, while Joseph sat on the ground, his face red. “Okay, er… let’s just move on.” Joseph stuttered. His face felt hot, but that might have just been the liquor.

“Aw, c’mon, Joseph, you’re the one who dared him to do it! Do you need more liquor, or something?” Robert teased, pouring and holding out a glass of whiskey. Joseph took it and downed the glass, taking a deep breath afterwards.

From across the room, Hugo covered Mat’s ears. “Guys, you really shouldn’t be encouraging him right now. You know how he gets when he’s drunk.” he removed one of his hands from Mat’s head once the barista began biting whatever part of Hugo’s arm he could reach from their position. When Mat didn’t stop, Hugo began quietly scolding him.

“I think the last time Mat got this drunk, we were still in college.” Craig spoke up after a couple seconds. “It was our senior year, right?”

“Definitely.” Mat slurred, slightly giddy. “That was the month we were dating.” the brunette chuckles, wrapping his arms around Hugo’s neck.

“It’s also the month we broke up.” Hugo almost seemed hesitant to respond, like they still had some problems they needed to work out. It was a really tough month.

“I remember that. I was your wingman!” Craig exclaims, throwing his hands up with a huge grin on his face.

“I didn’t know wingmen abandoned their friends in the middle of an amusement park. I thought you got kidnapped, or something.” Hugo says, trying to pry Mat off of him. It results in the latter falling down on the ground, he was still laughing, so Hugo couldn’t feel that bad. Mat immediately rolled over to Joseph, shoving the whipped cream in the blonde’s face.

“Joseph, let me lick whipped cream off you!” Mat repeated, while Craig and Hugo kept up their conversation.

Craig waved Hugo’s comment off, “That was all part of the plan. Plus, I saw some funnel cakes that really looked like they wanted to be eaten by me. Next thing I know, you guys are gone and three hours later, you come back flirting with each other. So you can’t complain.” 

  
At some point during the conversation, Mat had dozed off on Joseph’s shoulder. Maybe Hugo would carry him home, or something, but for now, he just needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont really know what im doing with this work. please bear with me. also my birthday is in two days. yay me, i guess.

**Author's Note:**

> FAQs:  
> Q: why is this fic about joseph and mat if him and hugo are already married?  
> A: yes, technically, hugo and mat are married in this fic. as it said, it's only 'in the eyes of the lord'. this is a reference to my counselors at camp who got married. they never signed any papers, but they had a wedding. it was beautiful. i cried. robert being ordained online is also a reference to a counselor. (some direct quotes from him: "its so easy!" "it can be free if you want it to" "you can do it online!". but them being married doesnt mean they're in a romantic relationship. so both of them can go out whenever and get that good dick. #queerplatonicsquad
> 
> Q: what is everyone's usernames for the group chat?  
> A: the usernames are as followed:  
> tromboner: mat  
> babashook: robert  
> dontkalemyvibe: craig  
> tequilamockingbird(if you dont get that joke im suing you): hugo  
> kissmybass: brian
> 
> Q: whats robert and craig's backstory?  
> A: this work is part of a series. ("Welcome! You've Got Dads!") the order goes: robert and craig, mat and joseph, damien and hugo, and possibly brian and saul if i get some new info on him. i will post the first chapters of all three fics, then focus on this one until im half done, and then update the other two gradually, and so on. when i finish them all, im going to turn it into a groupchat fanfiction. because i love those. and there is a lack of them in this fandom.
> 
> if you have any unanswered questions, feel free to ask in the comments :)


End file.
